In trying to gain control over specific challenges in life, we tend to ask ourselves two basic questions:
For example, if we are struggling with our weight, we determine what the problem is (our diet) and how to fix it (dieting).
If we are struggling with our finances, we determine the problem (debt, overspending, not enough money), and how to fix it (snowball or avalanche approach, budgeting, negotiating higher salary, re-tooling, etc.).
If we are struggling with our relationship with our significant other, we determine the problem (e.g. my partner does or doesn't do x, y, z, despite my asking him/her) and how to fix (sit down and discuss, provide appreciation and encouragement, etc.)
Rarely do we start by asking ourselves: "What do I want?" What would I like? What's the ideal situation here?
Asking these questions creates a kind of mental shift. No longer are you focused simply on what is making you unhappy or frustrated. Now you are focused on the future - on what kind of life you want to live.
In other words, asking what you want requires you to actually create a picture of what would be ideal for you.
For example, with your weight, is it simply to lose pounds? Or do you want to feel confident about your weight and your physique? Do you want to feel energetic and healthy?
With your finances, is it simply to reduce your debt, curb your spending, increase your income? Or is it to live a life where you are no longer worried about money? Where you can spend your hard-earned income without worrying about building wealth for retirement?
With your relationship, is it simply to get the other person to do or stop doing something? Or is it to have a relationship built on respect and trust and a mutual desire to please each other?
Focusing on what you want gives you context for understanding why you want to deal with the challenge in front of you. It allows you to see the bigger picture of what you would like your future to be.
Of course, creating this picture takes time and energy to figure out. But it is the first step, the pre-requisite, to actually gaining greater control over your life. The next steps after that only become clearer.